On a commitment to loving well
and honoring the legacy of bell hooks
At the end of last year I saw a post from writer yung pueblo that read: Love me well, or leave me alone.
I found it intriguing and savored in the simple yet powerful ask. What does it mean to love someone well? Whether with a parent, a romantic relationship, a friend— we’ve all experienced in some way, the blade of “bad love” and arguably, that mediocre love as not love at all. The definition of love that I like to use is from bell hooks as outlined in All About Love, a book that is foundational to this work. In honor of the legacy of bell hooks and the breath of her work, I use her definition as a starting point.
“love is a combination of trust, commitment, care, respect, knowledge and responsibility”
As my first attempt at this loving well concept—I’m open to trying it on and seeing who else is on board. After all, those of us who take on the courageous assignment of love in this life, have got to support one another.
Trust
Foundational to any relation in my experience, has been the ability to trust another person. This will require different things for different people. And the patience it requires for someone to earn that trust should never be rushed.
This also requires a growing trust in oneself. To be curious and ask yourself:
what do I need to be loved well, and how can I invite others to do this?
Commitment
The follow-through, the engagement. The willingness to show up.
Personally, I will often request poems or flowers or laughter to ease my worries and I am always amazed when people listen. Those small things make a difference in my day-to-day. Like watering a plant and watching it grow. It matters greatly. The more specific our ask, the more we can receive/give and feel satisfied.
Care
In conversation, it might look like asking yourself:
Am I saying this because it’s convenient for me or am I saying it because it will serve my relationship with this person at this given moment?
Love requires a level of vulnerability. For many people, fear and old conditioning may come up. It is our responsibility to be able to ask for help when we need it.
Respect
In action, it might look like asking someone,
Do you have the capacity to hold space for me? Or to do X labor for me?
Sometimes people can’t. Respecting that is important.
Knowledge
The moment might call for us to pay attention to the ways in which our partner/friend/colleague have expressed boundaries—physical, social, emotional. Taking that information in can be incredibly beneficial to loving well.
Responsibility
“or leave me alone”
Having the awareness to step back when we are not able to come from a place of love is highly underrated in my opinion. Owning up to when we make mistakes, taking a walk or practicing self-regulating for the nervous system before moving forward. All those things matter.
These are only some of the many ways I felt loving well looks like in practice. What about you? If you feel called, jot down a few items of your own. What do you need to be loved well? If you’re a visual person, give yourself a moment. Take a deep breath in, release with an exhale. Close your eyes to visualize—what does loving well look like? Remember, a commitment is another word for engagement, so engage all those senses. Come alive to this energy, to the potency, to the possibility.
May we all be loved well.
About the author:
Anatalia Vallez is a writer, actor and creative alchemist from Orange County, California passionate about using art as a tool for creating consciousness and community. Addressing everything from migration, machismo and our relationship to nature, she seeks to find intimate truths and plant seeds through art. She is the author of The Most Spectacular Mistake, featured in the LA Times, NPR News and Libromobile.com.
Support the author on Patreon. Tips are always welcome: Venmo @anataliavallez